I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wear drunk well.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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