he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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