She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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