All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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