you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Watching her eat just hurts me
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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