Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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