It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
