she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
are you so shy because you have an std?
smell my finger.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
