she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
