Swine flu. Run for my life!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
