You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.