Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.