Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.