I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
