i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Randomize
