He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
