True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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