I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize