My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
