can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
they're like a gay fantastic four
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
