at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I did not marry a roomba.
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