Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
