if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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