That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
