Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
