All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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