I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Shame is for Republicans.
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