so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
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They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
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Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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