I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
