just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
