A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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