I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize