A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
