...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
