The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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