A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
