My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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