Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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