I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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