i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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