You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
