hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
