dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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