Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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