Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
