Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
