i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
