he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
