Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
