I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
