we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
