Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
