Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
