Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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