Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I need water and some morals
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
