I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We are two peas in an std pod
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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