I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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