I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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