i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
