i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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